Cannibalism FTW!!!

This is what I will call my meat packing company once cannibalism is legit again.

...is delicious!

So I Lied…

After giving it much thought, I have decided to recant my promise to be a big ol’ “negative Nancy” in this blog.  I know that you must all hate me now, but as it is obvious when I’m not being negative I don’t have much to say.  Ironically, I am a very optimistic (to the point of it being delusion) in private, but when people get me going, I turn into George Strait.  And OMFG, do I hate country!  So, for what it’s worth, I tried.  The real me is reborn….

To start things off, I have been saving a few files that I thought where so ludicrous as to make me pee my pants laughing about them.  We’ll start with this one. At first glance, it may seem like the ole’ boy is on to something.  But remind yourself, this is the same government that thought that using Afghani warlords–the same warlords who only months before were propping up bin Laden and the Taliban–to capture bin Laden was a good idea.  WE DIDN’T EVEN SUPERVISE THEM.  There have been numerous reports by U.S. soldiers that we had bin Laden surrounded in the Khyber with only one way out, but plenty of places to hide, and we let him go.  Why?  Because terrorism pays.  Pays the bills for sure!  Who’s bills?  Why, Dick Cheney’s.  All of Bushie’s friends at the Carlyle Group.  Sure it’s a slick looking website, but don’t make the mistake of thinking for a second that they aren’t one of the most evil, corrupt, soulless corporations on the face of this planet that’s ridden with evil, corrupt, soulless corporations.  War profiteering is always unethical and immoral in my book.

So back to my point.  And that is, as long as bin Laden is on the lam, Bush and all his cronies can continue to play the “War on Terror” trump card.  Once he’s caught we have to wait around and provoke a new generation of Islamic folk until one of them gets pissed off enough to try and kill us.  So save your science, Mr. Smartypants.  You are missing the point.

It’s Time to Eat Some Pie.

So, I will admit it.  I was wrong.

Specifically, I was wrong about the editorial cartoon that was printed in the New York Post recently.  I figured the best way to judge the cartoon was by removing race from the equation.  Turns out, that’s more of a cop-out than I had realized, especially after having seen the piece in context conspicuously close to another image of Obama signing the bill.  Going through the thought process outlined in my earlier post, I figured that the cartoonist didn’t have a racist agenda when he drew the cartoon.  But I was missing the point, agendas are not required for racism to flourish.  It’s not like we need to have a weekly caucus meeting at which we discuss ways to keep the black community down.  That system exists and, at this point, will continue to do its job with or without us.  The more we ignore the system that inherently favors us (as in “white people” of which I am one) over our black brethren, the worse the situation gets.  So when blacks say they feel like the cartoon crossed the line, maybe we should listen.  Only an honest dialogue about racism and its continued effects in our society can get the ball rolling on this one.  If we continue to pretend that the 900-lbs. gorilla in the room isn’t there, the problem will never get addressed let alone fixed.

God damnit, now I’ve gone and done it too.

Wow! Some people….

So in case you missed (or ignored) this little jewel of non-news, here it is.  I think the guiding factor in a case like this is to remove race for a second, especially since that is what people are saying is offensive in the cartoon.  Imagine for a second if Barack was white.  Could the cartoon be considered offensive then?  Hardly.  Would it still work as political comedy?  Definitely.  So basically protesters are saying that drawing comparisons between a President and a crazed chimp that bites people and has to be put down is offensive because that President is black.  The protesters are drawing focus to the age-old slander of Africans as barely more than monkeys when that has nothing to do with the obvious intent or purpose of the cartoon.  Who is racist now?

In other news, rich people are assholes! SHOCKING!  BUT TRUE!!

25 Random Thoughts

I’m sure that you all have seen the notes floating around Facebook asking you to tell others something strange about yourself that few others would know.  I’ve decided to put mine in a slightly more permanent form, as well as to change it up a bit.  Instead of 25 random facts about myself, I will tell you instead 25 random thoughts that I have had over the years.  All of these are thoughts that I have actually thought about (shocking, I know) as opposed to the far more bizarre thoughts that flit in and out of my mind all day unheeded.  Without further ado:

#1:  I seriously doubt that it is a coincidence that all three Presidents that have pushed interest-free currency, or “United States Notes,” were assassinated.  (Well, A.J. survived because both of his assailant’s guns misfired, but it probably wouldn’t have killed him anyway because he was a badass sonofabitch.)

#2:  If I ever have children, I will tell them upfront that weed is acceptable, but alcohol and tobacco will get them their asses beat.  They better be good at hiding the weed from their mom, though….

#3:  My personal take on dating and attractiveness is that once you reach a certain level (a.k.a. not making me want to run in terror), I am much more interested in what you have to say than how good you look saying it.

#4:  Conspiracy and collusion are how the world works.  Most conspiracy advocates are nut jobs which is how the governments and power players of the world get away with it.  But if you think that the people in power won’t toss all their ethics out the window to keep that power and get a little more, you are seriously stupid and naive.

#5:  Socialism is not a dirty word.  In theory, a socialist democracy is probably the best form of government.  In practice, it is simply unworkable without extreme transparency and rigid oversight by the citizenry, two things almost impossible to find in a modern government.  Or everyone involved could be totally incorruptible and selfless…HA!

#6:  Similarly, Marx is one of the least understood theorists in history (by the public at large, at least).  Marx’s theories failed for the most part because he failed to anticipate the self-preservation instinct that all despots and corrupt governments possess, as well as the masterful level in use of propaganda and misdirection that governments would achieve.  However, the more we move into a global society run by mega-corps, the more likely Marx’s theories will prove true because corporations cannot inject socialist or militaristic elements into their plans to assuage or bully their customers the way governments can for their citizens.

#7:  Koji Kondo and Nobuo Uematsu are the best composers you have never heard of.  I guarantee you have heard their songs, though.

#8:  You would all be amazed at the utterly abject levels of subsistence that you could get accustomed too.

#9:  If you want to know just how much of a nerd someone is, just hand them a flashlight.

#10:  I am still at a loss as to why black people and my grandparents have the same taste in cars (minus the spinning rims, of course).

#11:  Ataraxia is a real condition despite not being generally accepted by the APA.  I know; I have it.

#12:  Dustin Hoffman is the best actor over the age of 50.  Under 50, it’s a toss-up between Johnny Depp and Christian Bale (despite his hatred of gaffers).  The most overrated actors in those same categories are, respectively, Al Pacino and Denzel Washington.  The most underrated are Ben Kingsley and Benecio Del Toro (by fans not critics).  Leonardo DiCaprio is a great actor that is generally considered bad (or just a pretty face), and Nicholas Cage is the the most one-note actor in history.  Pity it’s about the worst note in acting history as well.

#13:  Most Americans would be shocked and downright appalled at our nation’s foreign policy if they were forced to see its ramifications up close and personal as opposed to the inane, filtered versions we get from by Fox News and CNN.  The only ones who wouldn’t be are the ones who actually set our policies.

#14:  Movies should be judged above all on how well they tell their story.  Storytelling is a profession far older than prostitution, yet it gets very little respect in today’s culture.  Most movies out there are a conglomeration of dramatic bits and funny sketches with a horribly deficient story arc.  Comedy is by far the most offending genre.  Comedy and plot rarely go hand-in-hand, but when they do, it is truly masterful.

#15:  Strudel is the world’s greatest breakfast invention.  If everyone ate a piece of strudel for every morning, all the world’s problems would be solved inside a year.

#16:  Root beer goes better with red meat than wine.  Those who pretend otherwise are usually just pompous asses.

#17:  Open minds are rarer than open doors, open arm, open hearts, open relationships, or open bank accounts.  They are also by far they hardest to keep that way.

#18:  Freely trading with poorer countries will do more to lift them out of their poverty than all the millions, *cough*, of aid we send to those same countries.  Everyone will also be far better off in the long run even IN SPITE of the fact in the short run, there will probably be an influx of sweat shops in said countries and we are likely to lose most of our unskilled labor jobs.

#19:  I am all for gender equality.  What most women don’t realize, though, is that true and lasting gender equality can only survive in an environment where gender roles designed to help men stay dominate are completely eradicated.  Chivalry and equality cannot coexist.  You can’t have your cake and eat it too.  If you are not comfortable with the prospect of asking a man out unannounced, splitting the tab, splitting the chores (that goes the same for you guys and things like child rearing), et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, then perhaps you haven’t thought about feminism and it’s goals as hard as you should have.

#20:  Additionally, in order for equality to succeed, this bizarre concept of hyper-masculinity has to go as well.  Have you looked at a G.I. Joe lately?  How can that possibly give adolescent boys a healthy body image?  Why are anger and frustration the only socially acceptable emotions for a man to show?  Why is it considered “unmanly” to ask for help when you can’t accomplish something by yourself?  As much as feminists hate to admit it, there are a whole slew of man behaviors that need to be looked at and studied and eventually resolved before their schemes are going to come to fruition.

#21:  Front street is the best place on Earth to live.

#22:  Battle Mountain, NV is the worst.

#23:  I am also at a loss as to why we allow our public schools to operate with zero personal accountability.  Sure, we have No Child Left Behind and all that jazz, but what about underperforming teachers?  It is nearly impossibly to fire a bad teacher from a public school unless they are sleeping with the students or some other such nonsense.  Conversely, if a teacher is exceptional, like my high school physics and calculus teacher Mr. Roop, they get no direct benefit from it.  Merit-based pay for teachers and a curriculum overhaul are necessary steps if we are serious about getting our public educational system back on track.

#24:  There’s no such thing as the Great American Novel.  It is a fantasy.  No one work could ever be a perfect example for the thousands of other stories that are waiting to be heard.  Seriously though, great authors like Toni Morrisson can write about powerful and important topics and yet still be boring to many; she puts me to sleep faster than a bottle of sleeping pills and a fifth of vodka.  The Road by Cormac McCarthy? Gag me, it was awful.  Give me Wodehouse any day, but that’s just my point.  You can never sing with someone else’s voice, so trying to write an end-all, be-all novel is just a pipe dream.

#25:  Speaking for which, I wish I was black.  Or Jewish.  Or a crack-junkie.  Or any of the myriad of a millions things that you can be marginalized for.  It seems that all the best comedy and the most heartfelt narratives come from people having to deal with that marginality.  If you want to be creative, being in the moderate majority is extremely boring and counterproductive.

If Dogs Had Hooves…

Our dog, LIbby, is known for making the party awkward.

Top Ten Lists Are For Losers

Because my earlier post today was totally cheating, I am going to do another.  As a great appreciator of things, it is often hard for me to choose favorites of anything.  But there are a few exceptional categories that I know what my hands-down favorite is.  So in no particular order here are 10 of my #1′s in some pretty random categories:

Best reveal in a movie:  When Sing robs the deaf girl in Kung Fu Hustle.

Most quotable movie:  Zack and Miri Make a Porno by Kevin Smith

Most quotable in front of my mother movie:  Airplane! by David Zucker

Most singable movie:  Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny by you figure it out on your own…

Favorite quote that no one recognizes: “And now for something completely different…”  from Monty Python

Most excited I’ve ever been while reading a book:  When Seymour is about to pick up Rorshach’s journal

Song that most makes me want to shoot someone in the face, point blank, with an ludicrously large gun:  “Hyperblast Redux” from UT2004

Song that most makes me wish I was a better dancer:  “Cry for You” by September

Movie that most makes you want to kill yourself out of sheer depression, but in a good way:  The Fall by Tarsem

Best movie to watch with a girl if she likes chic-flicks and you absolutely hate them:  Stardust by Matthew Vaughn (It’s also the only time Claire Danes has been even remotely sexy in anything.)